The John Report: The Raw Deal for 12/28/09 (Sheamus vs. Cena)

The John Report: The Raw Deal for 12/28/09 (Sheamus vs. Cena)
Welcome to the Raw Deal. In case you missed it earlier on Monday, I did a rare fantasy booking column where I booked the January 4th edition of Raw with Bret Hart as the host and went all the way up to WrestleMania as well. It was a fun read. It’s garnered some amazing feedback for me that I really appreciate and it lets me know that maybe I should write stuff like that a little more often down the road. The link to it is here so check that out if you haven’t done so already. More plugs later. Let’s get on with the show.

Live from Hartford, Connecticut this is the Raw Deal…

The show started with the best in the world, Chris Jericho, outside of the ring trying to petition fans to get him back on Raw. What’s funny is that after Raw I check my emails and twitter messages. People have petitions actually set up wanting me to push them in this column. It’s an angle, people. Geez.

By the way, in the WWE open they have replaced the Hogan part with Dibiase. A lot of people write me about this too, so this is my acknowledgment to you that I see it. Remember that Vince doesn’t care about TNA, though. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

John Cena confronts Sheamus
Cena came out looking energetic. It’s the motivated Cena this week rather than the goofy one or the really serious one. He brought out a table and talked about how Sheamus became champion by putting him through one. He says he wants a table match tonight. Sheamus came out, said no to the table match. He wanted to beat him one on one. He also said that the last image of Raw 2009 would be Sheamus standing over Cena. Sheamus then turned his back and Cena jumped him, putting him through the table with the AA. It was a fine opening segment and at about 8 minutes didn’t run too long.

Backstage, a drunk or high looking Timbaland (the guest host) talked about the title situation. He called Sheamus vs. Cena the match of the century. Bwahahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Oh wait, that wasn’t a joke. Also the Bella Twins that never wrestle were partying with him while Gail Kim was also there looking like she didn’t want to be there. Why don’t they use Gail properly? I bet she misses the in-ring action of TNA, but WWE pays more. This segment was brutal.

More backstage, after a quick plug for that Marine 2 movie that I’ll never see, Cody and Ted bumped into Randy. Orton said he’s thinking of breaking up Legacy. The Baby Oil Boys Club were flabbergasted (fun word, say it out loud), so Randy told them that if they don’t win tonight they’re out of Legacy and he will beat the hell out of them. When I first heard this I thought Ted was losing. Then I saw his opponent.

Ted Dibiase d. Evan Bourne (*)
Orton was at ringside for this and the next match. It was a nearly three minute Raw special. Bourne being a jobber really sucks. Dibiase countered Air Bourne, then hit his finish for the win while staring at Orton. He gave him that, “let’s go shopping for some baby oil after the show” kind of look.

Cody Rhodes d. Mark Henry (1/2*)
They had Mark Henry sell a knee injury. What was great was that he sold it on the floor, but in the ring he forgot to sell it until Rhodes chopped blocked him. Gotta love Kool-Aid man. Rhodes won after going for the knee and hitting a nice looking DDT.

Orton reacted to it without any emotion. It almost seemed like he wasn’t happy that they both won. Not sure where this is going, but at least they’re doing something with Legacy after DX squashed them in the cell a couple months back.

Backstage, Hunter had Hornswoggle taped to a skateboard while HBK worried about the Bret Hart rumor. Yes, I just wrote about a 40 year old man having a midget taped to a skateboard. Hunter told Shawn to stay out of the Bret Hart stuff and to leave it to Vince. At the same time, Jillian did some singing towards Timbaland, so Trips slid Horny over and he took her out. Brutal.

Maryse d. Kelly Kelly (1/4*)
A two minute special. Kelly looked absolutely gorgeous. He wrestling was not absolutely gorgeous. They seemed to be off on a couple spots. Maryse won with her hair flipping DDT. She did some post match trash talk to Melina (remember she’s the Divas champion that barely defends that belt) to suggest that they’ll have a match at some point. That’s nice.

Outside, Big Show gave Jericho an envelope and told him to let it go. Chris was happy with it.

Vince McMahon Announces Bret Hart as the Guest Host for January 4th
The worst rumor in wrestling history was addressed by Vince as he came out to talk about Bret Hart. They showed a video package that I believe was straight off the DVD. He struggled to get the words out, selling the fact that his character doesn’t like Bret. He mentioned that Bret never shook his hand at the Hall of Fame ceremony among other things. He went to leave without announcing it, but out came Shawn Michaels. He asked Vince to book Undertaker vs. Michaels for WrestleMania. Vince said no, saying he doesn’t want to piss off Undertaker. He suggests Shawn figure it out himself. I guess that’s a suggestion idea that he should win the Rumble and get a title shot at Undertaker. I doubt it happens that way. Then Shawn talked about Bret. He suggested to Vince that it’ll be fine and that if Bret hosts “only good things will happen.” They said that a few times. I guess the idea is that Shawn will take care of Bret for Vince. Who knows? Crowd reacted pretty favorably to the announcement, which is a good sign.

I thought it was a good segment and I don’t care that it took 15 minutes although it made the rest of the show feel rushed. I’m glad that they made it official although I think they should have said it last week on Raw to have two weeks of hype. I’m very excited to see Bret next week. He’s an all time favorite of mine. So many possibilities. So much intrigue. I like it. Don’t screw it up, WWE. Keep the midget away from him!

Cena got attacked by Sheamus. I guess they’re even.

Another brutal segment backstage with a high Timberland. I’ve settled on high rather than drunk although it was a combo, for sure. MVP was there and Kofi was there. Kofi gets Miz tonight non-title. Miz comes in and Timbaland tells him that if Kofi wins the first match he gets a US title shot right after. Miz busted out his “really” line that he stole from SNL and somehow it led to all of them doing a song using “really.” This was already bad. Then, when they cut to Michael Cole singing it at ringside it was even worse. You know what this was, Cole? A vintage terrible segment with a guest host. It actually makes me feel sorry for Bret Hart now. Please keep him away from this shit.

Kofi d. Miz in a non-title match (DUD)
He hit Trouble in Paradise in less than a minute for the win. They went to commercial and started the next match.

Kofi d. Miz via DQ in a US Title Match (1/2*)
This one got a minute and a half. The three minute commercial was longer than the two matches. Orton came out, he attacked Kofi and hit a RKO on him on the floor. This made me happy because I was worried that they would forget about the Orton/Kofi feud. Kofi doesn’t need to be in the US title hunt. He’s above that.

Backstage, Orton talked about how it’s not over with him and Kingston. Next week they’ll have a match and he’ll end because there’s no better way to start the year than with a punt in the head. Oh, how cute.

DX came out for their pre-match hype. Hunter commented on the place being full. It was definitely full, which isn’t an every week occurrence. Notice how they don’t mention the crowd with the empty seats. Anyway, he did their intro with the usual gay jokes while HBK busted out the “not that there’s anything wrong with that” line from Seinfeld. It’s well over a decade old and still funny. That’s why it’s the best comedy show ever. Before the commercial, Jericho came out and sat in the crowd with a ticket in his hand, giving him a front row seat.

DX d. Big Show & Chavo Guerrero (*1/4)
They said Show picked Chavo because he could neutralize Hornswoggle. Yes, because when you need a partner to challenge the tag champs the best choice is THE GUY THAT LOSES TO THE MIDGET ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I don’t know why I yelled. It felt necessary. The match got five minutes, which is like an eternity for Raw. They won after Hornswoggle attacked Chavo and HHH beat him with a Pedigree. Yes, two future Hall of Famers had to cheat to beat the guy that loses to the midget. I guess this means Hornswoggle is better than them.

Post match, Jericho threw a tantrum and Michaels superkicked him. Hunter says he gets the rematch, but if they lose next week he’s gone from Raw forever. Unlike the last forever, it’s real this time. Until the next three hour Raw, I guess. Forever!

Next week we get Bret Hart as the guest host, Orton vs. Kingston (give Kofi the win please!), DX vs. Jerishow for the tag titles and no John Cena because he’ll be at the Fiesta Bowl in Phoenix although they didn’t say that last part. They’re loading up the show to counter TNA even though they say they aren’t worried. They shouldn’t be worried, but they are also smart to load up next week.

Oh man, they brought Timbaland to introduce the main event. I’m surprised he didn’t fall over. Dude really looked wasted. He barely got the intros out. Why would they have him intro them when this match was starting after the two hours meaning it was going to be short anyway?

John Cena d. Sheamus via DQ in a WWE Title Match (*)
The match of the century according to Timbaland! And it got just over two minutes. Cena went for the AA, but Sheamus pulled the ref down and got DQ’d. Post-match, Cena attacked him, but when they got back in the ring Sheamus KO’d him with two kicks to the head. I guess this means a rematch at the Rumble. I think it was lame of WWE to promote this match so heavily only to give it two minutes. They really rushed it.

I wonder if they’ll BS people and say Cena’s hurt from the kicks. I doubt they’ll promote him much at the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona considering it’s going opposite Raw.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Shawn Michaels
2. Vince McMahon
3. Randy Orton

Rating: 4.5 (out of 10)
Last week: 3

I think I’m being kind with the 4.5. Hey, better than the 3’s that I gave it the last couple of weeks. These three weeks of Raw were absolutely brutal. Timbaland was a terrible host. He clearly was on something. At least they didn’t have him dominate the show like some of the other bad guest hosts, though. See how positive I am? How much actual in-ring action was on this show? I have it at roughly 16 or 17 minutes. In two hours and 15 minutes! Brutal. I know I have Smackdown to watch for my WWE wrestling fix, but that’s pretty low even for Raw standards.

Aren’t they screwing Bret Hart by booking all these matches on his show? The whole point of the guest host is that the person has control of the show he’s on, yet in Bret’s case the big matches are already booked. He’s screwed again. Damn you, Vince! (I’m being sarcastic. Relax.)

I really hope Raw gets better in January and beyond. I think these last three were bad because they didn’t have a PPV to really promote with 7 weeks between TLC and the Rumble. Next week they’ll start the Rumble hype while also having Bret Hart present, so it could lead to good things. I’m probably a little too optimistic, aren’t I?

I have to say, I’m seriously excited for Raw on January 4th. Giddy, even. Yeah I said giddy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.


Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. I think I might start a Twitterfest too since I’ve had some requests for that. Maybe next Monday. You people that follow me on Twitter keep an eye out for it.

I should point out too that my friend Heather brought a “I’d rather be at Commentfest” sign to the show and had it confiscated. I guess WWE Fears Commentfest, huh? Let’s get started.

wooh! I’m losing my commentfest virginity tonight!! (Be gentle!)

i might take a sign, “john canton is my god” (The guy that posted this had “Tramp” as his middle name on facebook, but has now changed it to ChocolateBear. I liked Tramp better.)

Awesome. Chris Jericho is on the beginning of the show. I love life again.


And how do they follow up Chris Jericho? With John Cena. And I hate life again.

my gf just did the cena cant see me thing with her hands, i’ve sent her to bed! no spooning for her tonight (Wow. Fantastic. I don’t know what else to say.)

Has it??? Has Cena vs Sheamus been the most talked about match in months???? I would beg to differ King you jackass…. PLEASE become a heel announcer again.

wait hold on how is supercena having trouble lifting a table but he has no problem lifting a 500 pound big show? WTF!!!?!?!?

G’wan Sheamus. Laoch! (Irish guy. It’s okay, I don’t understand him either.)

Sheamus should be a spokesman for Axe hair putty.

OMG!! We didn’t see that coming! By we, I mean Stevie Wonder.

You know what this show needs…..Bret Hart.

Timbaland looks stoned.

his watch is massive. (That’s what she said except she didn’t mean watch.)

Hahah Gail Kim is goin no place! She is officially a part of the RAW COMEDY TROUPE!!!

Is he wearing a hearing aid or is someone feeding him his lines??? Biggest match of the century???? WTF

Timbaland ate the special brownies in the green room……ha. green room.

Is Randy having a mid-life crisis??? (At 29. Wrestlers live short lives. What? Look it up! Okay, that was mean.)

Randy I hear voices too. They tell me it’s time for a commercial.

I wasn’t aware Ryan Wiley was in DX….

I bet these TNA commercials during WWE programming really chap Vince’s ass.

Timbaland should wrestle Mark Henry tonight for a box of kfc roasted chicken and pitcher of red kool aid! (Save it for Mania.)

Give me the pen! Give me the goddamn pen!

At 9:28 eastern standard time, ladies and gentleman, we have wrestling.

Evan Bourne. You had so much potential, but now you just became an acrobatic version of the Brooklyn Brawler. (Or Barry Horwitz. He should pat himself on the back.)

Is dream street anywhere near jabroni drive?

Well, I think it’s safe to assume that Cody will lose…why else would they book it like this? Whoops, I’m sorry that’s logic. That’s not allowed…or does this count as predictability? Now I’ve gone and confused myself. (He popped his Commentfest cherry with this. I’m proud of this one.)

Watchout!!!!!! somebody gonna get their thirst quenched.

WSM = Wants Sheamus’ Meat.

If michael cole is impressed with Mark Henry pushing Cody Rhodes back with one hand while on his knees, he should see what my sister………….eh….n/m oh chit……Hornswaggle on a jet propelled skateboard!!!

Haha. He took horny to church.

jillian jillian my baby (They should change her name to Jillian Jillian just for fun.)

I have never wanted to be a red bra more than I want to right now. Thank you Kelly squared.

Hey if no one’s going to call it, can I claim being the Natalya guy in advance? She’s coming to Raw eventually.

Timbaland loves the Divas. Lawler and Batista “Love” The Divas. Big difference, King. (How would you define my love? That’s the question.)

I want a cool nickname too, like Crazy Crazy. Where is he by the way? (Nicknames are earned, new guy. Like Crazy Crazy got his due to his…welll…craziness.)


Maryse speaking French is so incredibly hot… (Really? She spoke about how we need to protect our environment and it was really boring. I could be wrong. Don’t test me.)

Maryse can do that pin on me anytime. (Thanks for posting Batista) (See that? They steal my jokes!)

OMG!!!! KELLY KELLY!!!!! (There he is.)

Aww… Big Show just dumped Chris… That’s harsh…

I bet he just gave him a gift certificate to Sizzler.

Romeo and Juilet ain’t got shit on Jericho and Big show.

I really got chills when his music started. No homo.

My nine year old son knows who bret hart is. Vintage wrestling fan in the making. (Good parenting!)

The Best there is, the Best there was, the Best there ever will be…. Welcome back Bret!!! I’m dying for next week…. DON’T F IT UP WWE WRITERS!!!!!

NO YOU DID NOT VINCE!!! It needs to be said!!!

Vince is using Jericho words!

Vince is a fucking GENIUS! He’s the greatest heel ever. Playing against the crowd like that. (Genius on the microphone maybe. He also books Raw, remember.)

looks like vinnie mac has been borrowing jerichos thesaurus.

Vince McMahon mocking the “Whats” is almost as good as Michael Cole losing his shit over winning a Slammy. (Yep, almost.)


Only good things are gonna happen? Is HBK going heel soon…probably not but it would be cool.

Best segment on raw in a long time.

OMG…from an awesome HBK promo to Cena gettin his ass kicked..this just keeps getting better & better 🙂 (Too bad it got worse and worse.)

Is it just me, or does Timberland look like he doesn’t remember where he is? (Timbaland is not straight edge.)

Michael Cole “dancing” in his seat to that sad-ass impromptu rap song almost made me sue him for my TV getting shot at. Thank goodness for scotch.

I sure hope Orton interferes and this isn’t a de-push of Kofi already.

Um no. Biggest load of shit to be passed for a match. And a title match right after a number one contender’s match. Gimme a freakin break.

OMG! Never thought I’d say this! THANK YOU ORTON!

Josh Matthews!!! (That just looked odd.)

GLOWSTICKS OUT!!!!! ARE YOU READY???? NO I SAID ARRRRRRE YOUUUUUUU RRRREADDYYYYY??? then for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home on live tv…. llllllllllllllllllllletssssssss get ready to midgetttttttttttttttttttttttttt! (This guy probably isn’t straight edge.)


A front row ticket next to Tiger’s wife!!

you mean his “escort” not his wife (thanks for posting tiger woods)

Chavshow!!!! (trademarked by me) (Yeah, good luck with that. I’m sure it’ll catch on.)

Damnit! Chavo? Where the FUCK is Santino?! Why would they use Chavo? Chavo doesn’t have any history with anybody in DX…mascot or otherwise. (Again, I repress bad memories.)

Y2J chant. You said you would do anything for the fans right Vince. (He means more midgets.)

So wait, between HBK obviously having a role in the Bret Hart angle next week, they’re keeping up Jerishow vs DX too?!?! Are you seriously telling me MVP doesn’t have a single angle, and HBK has TWO?! He’s awesome, but way to spread the wealth Raw creative! (It’s like he’s the longest serving employee among active wrestlers in WWE or something.)

Horny with a Mini-Gree! (Same guy that got excited for Josh Matthews. Seek help.)

The security isn’t very good, a fan just jumped the barricade.

I’m currently drowning in a sea of green glowsticks!! (She was at the show. Points for posting in commentfest while at the show.)

King just spoke for the millions of male fans watching…”I’m watching the Bellas.”

Wow rly three appearances, two probably being taped, and he uses the word “rawest”. Is that even right? Lol

Vintage Cena 11:04pm EST

All that hype for that shyt. Congrats WWE on a job well done!

It’s funny how every little thing leaves a big red mark on Sheamus. He’s the closest thing to a human candy cane.

What’s happening here? I’m so confused (thanks for posting, Vince McMahon). (Yeah, I think we’re done here.)

Thanks for the participation as always.


Plug time. And I don’t mean Chris Masters’ hair.

First, from a guest commentfest host from last week, Bryan Kirchoff: “Whats up everyone!! John has been gracious enough to let me promote myself, so here I go. I am trying to get my music heard. We bring nothing but real hip hop…lyrics for days! Check it out if you get a chance or just wanna help support a long time wrestling fan! The site is:

Second, from an aspiring writer that reminds me of myself when I got started in my teens too. His name is Michael Prunka: “I write a bunch of random thought blogs about WWE and reviews the PPVs. I just finished my Top Ten Favorite Moments of 2009 article. The URL is Thanks for the support.”

I don’t mind plugging stuff for other people. Everybody needs to get started somewhere. If I didn’t have people helping me out I’d be lost in cyberspace too. As always, check out my blog at for updated daily content. I didn’t post on Christmas Day. That will probably be the only day where I don’t make a post. I’m all about the daily content, so going forward I promise I’ll have something up there every day whether it’s a small commentary, a piece of news, a video, a retro column or whatever else comes to mind.

Man, I’m so lazy I just re-posted that paragraph from Saturday. I suggest following me on Twitter too. My messages to various WWE people tend to be a lot of fun and I get some interesting replies too. I even got criticized by my beloved Mickie James-Canton for picking Borat over Anchorman as my favorite comedy of the 2000s. We had a nice debate about it. Most of the WWE people on there are pretty cool, so check it out.

This is my last official column of 2009. The Talking Smack column will be on Saturday. I’ll probably do some blog posts, but for a column this is it. For now, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and say thanks for reading the John Report in 2009.

All the best to you and yours in 2010!

John Canton –
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